You Tried as Hard as Hell [Ana]

Ana hadn't actually been working, even though she supposed she should have been. But things had been in a lull lately and there wasn't as much to stay on top of as there had been in the past. Still, at the knock on her door she still felt a little bit like a child caught goofing off instead of doing their homework, and quickly closed the game screen on her computer and pulled up something that looked vaguely important. It was only then that she called that they could come in.

She smiled when she saw who it was, she hadn't had much chance to talk to Jamison lately. "Of course! I always have time for you, come in!" She gestured for him to join her.

He seemed troubled though, and her smile slipped a little. "What's on your mind?" She asked, a bit concerned.

Jamison flashed her a smile that died as quickly as it had come, looking down at the ground as he came to sit at the chair in front of her desk, "hey! Good..I uh...Thas' good." He nodded, mulling over how to say what he needed to say, "I uh...Wish it were under better circumstances..." Not that it was under bad ones, not entirely anyway, "I uh...Gotta say somethin'..." He fidgeted and looked distressed, "I...We're leavin'..." He didn't meet her eyes as he tried to find his words.

"Me an' Lucio...We...I..." He sunk his head into his hands and shook it slowly, "I can't keep doin' this...I can't keep almost losin' 'im like this..." He breathed and pulled his face up, forcing himself to look at her, "I know I'm lettin' yew all down...Lettin' yew down especially...But I'm so fuckin' broken..." He ran a hand through his hair, "an' Lucio can only take so much..." His words trailed off as he faltered and went quiet, looking away to wait for whatever repercussions came.

Her expression grew more concerned, afraid of what terrible thing he might have to tell her. Was he sick? Had he decided to go back to his former life, or had some aspect of it caught up to him in a way even their group couldn't help? Her stomach clenched and she felt a bit sick in anticipation as she waited.

When he told her why she paused for a moment, letting that sink in, letting herself sort through her feelings before she answered. Part of her was sad, she'd miss his company, she'd miss his potential. Part of her felt a little guilty, that she'd put him in this situation without training, without preparation, and her actions had left him more broken then she'd found him. Part of her...was relieved. She'd worried and feared for them both, especially as she'd seen it wearing on them. She hadn't wanted to be the one to say, maybe this life wasn't for them, but she'd started to fear she might have to, to spare them both any more pain or hardship then the unfair amount they'd already been through.

She finally let out a breath. "You are not letting me down." She finally said, spoken as though picking her words as she said them. "If anything...I let you down. I was so quick to bring you into this life, but I did not stop to think about what it might do to you. I'm an old solider...this is the only life I've known, since I was younger than you. I sometimes forget...it's a hard life, not meant for everyone."

She looked down, then back up again. "You came. You tried it, just as you wanted to do...you realized it was not the life for you. There's no shame in that. And there's no shame in realizing it's not the life for Lucio, and wanting to do better by him at the same time. Of course I will miss you both...but I want you to live the life that you want to. That's best and healthiest for you both." She managed a smile past all the feelings still to make sense of.

Jamison felt a thick anxiousness settling in his gut as he watched her closely, trying and failing to read through her expressions what she might say to his decision. He was expecting disappointment, she'd put so much faith and trust in him, in his abilities to handle this, and to be a hero like he'd always wanted to be, he hated feeling like he'd wasted the time she put forth, he looked up when she spoke, looking genuinely surprised.

He sighed softly and looked down, shaking his head, "yew didn't let me down...I'd still be a criminal if it wasn't fer yew...I'd of never gotten a chance t'have a life like this..." He ran a hand through his hair, laughing softly, "I gotta chance t'like relatively normal...Normal fer me anyway..." He laughed at that, then sighed and looked down, "yew gave me this choice...I owe my life as it is now t'yew." He chuckled and ran a hand over his eyes, "an' yew don't need me anymore anyway..." He couldn't help the shaking in his voice, "yew got yer fam'ly...At least some of it...Wot d'yew need a mangy, psychotic little nobody fer when yeh got yer real flesh an' blood kid..." He fidgeted and looked down, "thanks few lettin' me be a part of yer fam'ly fer a little bit though..."

He ran a hand over his eyes and sniffed, "made me almost feel like I had a mum again...Ye'll always be welcome with us though..." He looked up at her with a sad smile, "wherever we end up settlin' down...Yer welcome t'visit..." He ran a hand over the back of his neck, "I got me own fam'ly now t'look out fer...Lucio needs time t'heal...I need time too...I'm..." His voice hitched and he slumped in his seat, "jus' so tired..." He felt like such a let down, even being reassured that he wasn't, the feeling was still there.

"Wait...what?" She held up a hand to stop him, some of the words especially hard to hear him say. "Is that...what you think all of this was? That you were only some sort of sick...stop-gap measure while I didn't have my biological children with me?" At this she did sound hurt.

"Jamison. Look at me." She insisted. "Everything I did for you was because I wanted to. Because I cared about *you*. Because I wanted to help *you*. Not because I was attempting to just...stick something in some kind of hole inside of me until something better happened. Am I happy that my son is back in my life? Yes. Absolutely. Do I hope that someday his sister will be again as well? Also yes. Does this mean that I suddenly no longer care about or have time for you, or no longer consider you as part of my family? Absolutely not. And I am truly sorry if I have ever made you feel that way." She frowned.

She crossed over closer to him. "You have your own family to take care of now. But that doesn't make you any less a part of mine." She reassured him.

Jamison's next words were cut short when she held her hand up, and he looked up at her when told to, swallowing. He couldn't help the guilty feeling eating at him as she spoke, of course that hadn't been the case, it was just his fucked up, paranoid brain telling him once again that there was no way anyone could genuinely like him as a person. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, and he looked down again a moment, gathering his thoughts enough to speak, "I guess I jus'..." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "I know I'm a shitty person t'have around..." He glanced to the side, "I'm loud, obnoxious, gross and mangy, stupid...rude an' vulgar..." He shrugged, "It always feels like when people WANT me around...It's jus'...Settling." He gave a sad laugh, "I don't see how anyone WANTS t'be with me or around me...I'm a human fuckin' disaster...But..." He gave her a weak smile, "M'glad I'm still part of yer fam'ly...Even if I don't belong around any'a yew good people..." He looked down again at that, it felt odd admitting these things, but they were thoughts that had been eating away at him terribly. He'd never felt good enough for any of the people who were so kind to him.