Post by Junkrat on Aug 23, 2016 18:05:14 GMT
It was one part head trauma, two parts radiation that made him the way he was. He'd been lucky though, there had been people physically disfigured so badly they no longer looked human. He supposed that was how he should see it, he was lucky, so he didn't get to complain about the hallucinations, or the night terrors, or the way his body seemed to constantly twitch and shudder, because at least he still looked relatively human.
But some nights it was hard to feel lucky.
He'd been following Lucio on one of his large tours, he was his bodyguard after all, but it was more than just that, he was infatuated with the young man, every little action sent Jamison's heart into overdrive. He was in love, and this was as wonderful as it was horrid, love meant loss, and love wasn't something he'd felt in his lifetime. Maybe when he was six, before the explosion, back during a time that he couldn't even remember, but not since then. Not until now. The feeling was overwhelming, leaving him with an urge to run the other way and never look back, because surely that would be better for Lucio, wouldn't it? He was bad news, he brought trouble with him everywhere, socially inept, vulgar, completely off his rocker. But Lucio stayed, by god Lucio stayed, and nothing scared Jamison more than the thought that maybe someday he would come to his senses, and be gone. It had seeded an unhealthy dose of possessive behavior that only served to worsen his fear. He was going to scare him off, this was certain in his broken mind.
These were the thoughts that kept him awake, staring at the ceiling with an expression of dream painting his features. He barely understood how to be a person, much less loving one and having them reciprocate it. He glanced to his side, where the other man was curled close, cradling one of his arms to his chest. He was so perfect, an inspiration to the whole world, a talented musician, a ray of sunlight even in the darkest of times. And what was he? An ex criminal with a rap sheet so long it could to two rounds around the world, he was dirty, vulgar, so fucked in the head he forgot his own name some days, he avoided mirrors because seeing his way too tall gangly frame and his stupid looking crooked teeth reminded him that he was ugly, inside and out.
He was useless, dangerous, annoying, this what what he heard over and over from the people around him, and the worst part was that they were right, every word of it true. He felt his breath hitch with tears as he sat up, pulling his arm away from Lucio's grip to rest against the side of his head, over his ear, he'd intended to cover both of them before realizing that he was sans an arm. Just another broken piece of a puzzle who's pieces would never fit together again.
His jolt had stirred the DJ, who had adapted to being a lighter sleeper thanks to Jamison's frequent night terrors, he had to be able to snap awake, because he seemed to be the only person who could sooth that fractured mind when the pieces began to break off. He expected that to be the reason for the sudden movement, looking mildly surprised when he saw that the man appeared to be wide awake, "Jamie?" His voice was soft, it always was, but Jamison only shoot his head, "g-go back t'sleep...M'okay." The strained shaking in his voice and body betrayed otherwise, and Lucio sat up to put a hand on his back, "you okay, Amar?" He soothed, not surprised when the other man simply shook his head and swallowed, "no...m'not. I'm a fuckin' mess." His reply was vague, which was expected when it came to Jamison and his feelings, growing up in a world where emotion came last to survival, he'd become all but unable to process the things he felt. It led to explosive outbursts, tantrums, or completely shutting down, and Lucio did not want the last to happen here.
Jamison lifted his face a little when he felt arms around him, the tears that were fighting for freedom finally rolling down his cheeks, "Lucio...Why don't yew run?" The tone in his voice was small and frightened, "why don't yew run while yew 'ave a chance to?" He could feel the man's shaking, holding him tighter and pressing his nose behind his ear, "why would I do a silly thing like that, Amar?" The response he got was more forceful than he'd been expecting, "because I'm a fuckin nightmare, mate!" His breath hitched with effort and he hunched in on himself in the man's arms, "I'm so fuckin' awful...An yer perfect, beautiful...I'm jus'..." He swallowed and closed his eyes tightly, "scared. Scared of this, of everythin'...I'm jus' waitin' fer it to all go to shit like everythin' else in my life does." He let out a shaky breath and shook his head, feeling like the entire world was crushing him, "an' I'm jus' waitin' fer yew t'figure out what a mistake yer makin' an' run...I'm such a fuckin' burden...Such a human disaster..." His tirade of self-loathing was silenced by the feeling of lips against his, and he opened his eyes to see Lucio now sitting in front of him, holding his cheeks, "Amar." He slid his hands up to run through his hair, giving him a smile that could have summoned the sunrise, "I love you. I chose you. I'm keeping you." His voice was soft, soothing, and most of all sure.
"I'm right here, Amar, I'm not going anywhere."
But some nights it was hard to feel lucky.
He'd been following Lucio on one of his large tours, he was his bodyguard after all, but it was more than just that, he was infatuated with the young man, every little action sent Jamison's heart into overdrive. He was in love, and this was as wonderful as it was horrid, love meant loss, and love wasn't something he'd felt in his lifetime. Maybe when he was six, before the explosion, back during a time that he couldn't even remember, but not since then. Not until now. The feeling was overwhelming, leaving him with an urge to run the other way and never look back, because surely that would be better for Lucio, wouldn't it? He was bad news, he brought trouble with him everywhere, socially inept, vulgar, completely off his rocker. But Lucio stayed, by god Lucio stayed, and nothing scared Jamison more than the thought that maybe someday he would come to his senses, and be gone. It had seeded an unhealthy dose of possessive behavior that only served to worsen his fear. He was going to scare him off, this was certain in his broken mind.
These were the thoughts that kept him awake, staring at the ceiling with an expression of dream painting his features. He barely understood how to be a person, much less loving one and having them reciprocate it. He glanced to his side, where the other man was curled close, cradling one of his arms to his chest. He was so perfect, an inspiration to the whole world, a talented musician, a ray of sunlight even in the darkest of times. And what was he? An ex criminal with a rap sheet so long it could to two rounds around the world, he was dirty, vulgar, so fucked in the head he forgot his own name some days, he avoided mirrors because seeing his way too tall gangly frame and his stupid looking crooked teeth reminded him that he was ugly, inside and out.
He was useless, dangerous, annoying, this what what he heard over and over from the people around him, and the worst part was that they were right, every word of it true. He felt his breath hitch with tears as he sat up, pulling his arm away from Lucio's grip to rest against the side of his head, over his ear, he'd intended to cover both of them before realizing that he was sans an arm. Just another broken piece of a puzzle who's pieces would never fit together again.
His jolt had stirred the DJ, who had adapted to being a lighter sleeper thanks to Jamison's frequent night terrors, he had to be able to snap awake, because he seemed to be the only person who could sooth that fractured mind when the pieces began to break off. He expected that to be the reason for the sudden movement, looking mildly surprised when he saw that the man appeared to be wide awake, "Jamie?" His voice was soft, it always was, but Jamison only shoot his head, "g-go back t'sleep...M'okay." The strained shaking in his voice and body betrayed otherwise, and Lucio sat up to put a hand on his back, "you okay, Amar?" He soothed, not surprised when the other man simply shook his head and swallowed, "no...m'not. I'm a fuckin' mess." His reply was vague, which was expected when it came to Jamison and his feelings, growing up in a world where emotion came last to survival, he'd become all but unable to process the things he felt. It led to explosive outbursts, tantrums, or completely shutting down, and Lucio did not want the last to happen here.
Jamison lifted his face a little when he felt arms around him, the tears that were fighting for freedom finally rolling down his cheeks, "Lucio...Why don't yew run?" The tone in his voice was small and frightened, "why don't yew run while yew 'ave a chance to?" He could feel the man's shaking, holding him tighter and pressing his nose behind his ear, "why would I do a silly thing like that, Amar?" The response he got was more forceful than he'd been expecting, "because I'm a fuckin nightmare, mate!" His breath hitched with effort and he hunched in on himself in the man's arms, "I'm so fuckin' awful...An yer perfect, beautiful...I'm jus'..." He swallowed and closed his eyes tightly, "scared. Scared of this, of everythin'...I'm jus' waitin' fer it to all go to shit like everythin' else in my life does." He let out a shaky breath and shook his head, feeling like the entire world was crushing him, "an' I'm jus' waitin' fer yew t'figure out what a mistake yer makin' an' run...I'm such a fuckin' burden...Such a human disaster..." His tirade of self-loathing was silenced by the feeling of lips against his, and he opened his eyes to see Lucio now sitting in front of him, holding his cheeks, "Amar." He slid his hands up to run through his hair, giving him a smile that could have summoned the sunrise, "I love you. I chose you. I'm keeping you." His voice was soft, soothing, and most of all sure.
"I'm right here, Amar, I'm not going anywhere."
