Who are you Really [Jess]

Jess had watched as the girls started to grow into teenagers. But while Zara grew into it with surprising ease, generally thriving and happy with everything in her life outside of the usual bouts of teenage drama and angst...Ada didn't thrive. She seemed to have hit a dark patch and Jess wasn't sure how to help.

Jess and Mido both worried over her, her slipping grades, her sudden lack of desire to be social...she worried was her daughter being bullied? Was she taking drugs? Was she depressed or had something else medically wrong with her? Relationship troubles? There were so many possibilities and Jess wanted to help and often made the offer that she was always there to talk...but one couldn't make another person talk to them, and there were only so many times you could offer to talk and help without response before it went from concern to just...nagging.

Jess looked up from her computer at the knock on the door of her study, her writing room stuffed with books and framed images of people she'd met or articles she'd written, mementos from all of their travels. Her heart leapt a little at the words, afraid of what she might hear but at the same time happy that maybe Ada finally wanted to talk about whatever was troubling her.

"Yeah, of course sweetie. What's on your mind?" She asked getting up then moving to sit on the loveseat in the room, enough space for them to both sit together.

There was still a hesitance in her as she chewed at her lip. It wasn't that she was afraid of telling her mother about this, it was more the fear of not knowing how to explain it, it was the fear of maybe having it come out all wrong, it was a hard enough feeling to understand on her own, much more so to try and explain it in verbal words to someone. She wasn't afraid of how her mother would react, more that maybe she wouldn't be able to do anything to help her, that maybe there would be something wrong with her, maybe not knowing was better than living with it.

After a couple of moments of internal waffling, she took a breath and strode over to plop down on the love-seat next to Jess. It took another minute or two for her to finally find the words to start, "I think there's something wrong with me..." Her voice was small and she had her eyes glued down to her clasped together hands, "I...Don't feel good? Right? I don't know..." She was frustrated, usually she was so good with words, but they were coming out halted and unsure now, "all the girls in school are...They're just..." She gestured to herself, tears biting at the corners of her eyes, "but I'm not...I think I'm broken..." She knew her explanation wasn't good or helpful, but it was the best she could do until she managed to get these feelings straight in her head.

It took Ada a while to find her voice, but Jess waited patiently until she did. She reached out to rub a comforting hand over her back, but otherwise didn't press, letting the words come out in their own time.

And then the words did start to come, halting, awkward, painful to hear, so unsure of herself in that moment, the tears she tried to hold back clear in her voice, and it hurt her to hear it.

"Awww sweetheart." She murmured comfortingly, pulling her a little closer. "You're not broken. There's nothing about you that's broken." She tried to reassure her.

"People just...sometimes people take longer to grow into who they are...or..figure things out about themselves." She was guessing a bit wildly here, not sure exactly what was leaving Ada feeling broken, but wanting to be encouraging enough that the conversation would continue. "What is it about them that makes you feel like you're broken? Maybe we can work on fixing it." She offered.

Adalee leaned into her mother's side when she ran a comforting hand over her back, letting out a shaky, tearful sigh, "I feel broken..." She looked down, just content to be comforted as she listened to her mom's words, they did help, but they also did little to chase away the sick insecurity, and she felt like she knew what she wanted, but finding the words to say it was harder than she'd thought it would be, "It's really hard to explain...I'm sorry..." She swallowed and put a hand over her chest, "it's like...Like Zara's so happy and content and...I'm not...And I can't shake this misplaced feeling..." She knew she still wasn't making any sense, so she took a moment to breath and collect herself before glancing up at Jess.

"It's like...All the girls are...Happy...To have..." She gestured to herself, her body in general, "but I'm not. I hate it. I can't get up in the morning and get dressed without hating myself." She leaned more into her and couldn't help the few tears that leaked from her eyes, "it makes me not want to do anything. It makes me want to just lie in bed until I rot away and don't have to look at this anymore." She pulled her knees to her chest and chewed her lips, "I don't want to be a girl. I hate it. I hate myself." She looked down with a tired expression, "I don't know what to do..."

She could understand how Ada might look at Zara and feel the sharp contrast, Zara bubbled over about school and makeup and boys and her martial arts practice and...well most everything, most of the time. She imagined it could be hard to look at that, and feel out of place, knowing that wasn't you.

"You don't have to be Zara...no one's asking you to be Zara." She assured her.

As Ada curled up more into herself Jess leaned closer to wrap her arm around her, she wished she could just scoop her up like she had when she'd been tiny, kiss away the things that hurt and make her smile again in minutes. Growing up...it was never that easy.

She listened, she listened to the words, but tried to listen between them, trying to pick out exactly what Ada meant, but without putting words into her mouth either.

"So...is it...you're just feeling...awkward right now?" She asked, tilting her head slightly, then took a breath, trying a different approach. "I know things have been really hard for you lately, I know you've been hurting a lot lately...I want to help, okay?" She paused. "So...what if...we don't think about Zara...or the other girls you know...or school...let's just not think about any of them right now, let's just think about you. Let's just say, in a world where everything is exactly how you want it to be, where you won't feel all these things...what would that look like?"

She hoped by stripping away all the concern about everyone else and what they did or thought, and gave Ada the option to straight up say what it would that would make them happiest...it might help make the conversation a little easier...she seemed to have a grasp on what she wanted to say, and Jess was picking up on a few thoughts as they talked...but she wanted to give the option to just say it, without worrying about everything else.

Ada looked up at her and nodded, giving a ghost of a smile, "I know. I'm not jealous of Zara or anything, I don't want to be Zara." She looked pensive, "I like being me just...Not this me..." Or not this shape and form, why did it have to be so hard to come out and say it? She knew her mother would understand, she knew they both would, but saying and doing were two very difficult things, and she couldn't seem to bring herself to do either.

She shook her head a little at the question and looked down, "worse than awkward...Wrong...I feel wrong." She went quiet after that, listening to her mother's words closely, she knew exactly what she wanted, and she knew exactly what the world Jessica was describing would look like. She fiddled with the hem of her shirt for a moment, not looking up when she finally spoke, "I don't want to be anyone but me...But...But I want to be me...But a boy..." Finally coughing up the words felt good, and Ada glanced up at Jess with lost eyes, "I just wish I could be me but...Not this body..."

Jess listened, and there was just a moment as the words sunk in that she looked a little surprised, but the next beat it was gone and she gave an understanding nod. It hadn't been the foremost thing in her mind when she thought of the things that might be troubling Ada...but hearing it now she could see how it would be a deeply upsetting thing, she'd need some time to wrap her own brain around it herself, but she'd have time to process that later. Right now this conversation was more important.

"Alright." She agreed with a nod, a little bit of a pause. "We can work on that." She promised.

"That's...not something I know lots about." She admitted. "But I can read up on it, and maybe we can together...and...see what kind of things we can do for you?"

She kept her hand on Ada's back. "And while we do that...I dunno, do you want to do stuff like get some other clothes or something like that...would that help?" She winced a little inside, she felt like she was floundering a bit, as much as she wanted to help.

He looked up at her with an anxious expression on his face as he waited to see what she would say, more anxious to hear her suggestion that out of any fear that she might shun him for how he was feeling. His face lit up and he smiled a little more at her words, feeling comforted by her promise to help him.

He looked down and nodded, "I don't know a lot about it either to be honest..." He leaned into her more and glanced up at her, "but I would like to read about it with you." He fiddled with his shirt more as he looked down, "b-but in the meantime...M-maybe...Maybe I could be he...Instead of she?" It wasn't an end all be all solution, but the idea felt nice, and if he could get his family on board then maybe he'd stop feeling a little less misplaced.

He nodded at the suggestion," I-if you don't mind...I think that could be fun!" He chuckled, "maybe we could bring Zara...She knows a lot about clothes!" He bit his lip after a moment and looked down, "you don't think she'll be disappointed do you? H-having a brother instead of a sister?" He hoped not, the thought was scary.

Jess couldn't help but smile at the way Ada's face suddenly lit up in a way she hadn't seen in far too long, glad that even that simple reassurance helped as a start. She leaned over for another hug, kissing the top of his head and nodding at his request.

"I can't promise I'll always remember at first, but I'll try, okay?" She sat back and looked at him. "I think tonight when your dad and sister are home we should all talk about it...it'll be something we'll all need to work on remembering and adjusting to. But we can all work on it." A pause as she thought of something else. "Do you want to be called something else too? You know, like a different name?"

"I think it would be nice to bring Zara along, I think she'd like that." It would be a big adjustment for all of them, having Zara actively involved as well would undoubtedly help make it a little easier for them both, they'd always been close as it was. "I don't know how she's going to feel. I think that's something you'd need to talk to her about."

He gave an understanding nod and leaned up to kiss her cheek, "that's okay...you trying means everything to me as it is..." He looked down and chewed at his lip, "I wasn't afraid that you wouldn't accept me but...I was afraid maybe there'd be no way to help..." He looked up at her with a sheepish smile, "just knowing that you'll try is good enough, it's all I can ask for." He still didn't completely understand what he was going through, and knew it would be a learning process for the both of them, for all of them really, he only hoped that the people outside of their tightly knit family would try for him too.

His face fell a little and he looked suddenly nervous at the mention of sitting down with everyone, "th-that sounds scary..." He fiddled with the hem of his shirt, "b-but I think I can handle it..." He glanced up and smiled, "I've thought about this...I think I want to keep my name...I like it..." Sure he could change it to a more traditionally masculine name, but why do that when his was so uniquely him?

He nodded and looked up at her, "I'll talk to her when I see her." He didn't doubt his sister would support him either, but he was still worried that she would be disappointed in losing her sister and gaining a brother instead.

"Awww sweetie..." Jess shook her head. "There are things you can do...I know you can get like...shots and surgeries and things...maybe that's not where we start, we need to find out more...but there are things we can do. And if this is what you want, we'll figure out how to make it happen, I promise." She kissed his forehead again. "I just want you to be happy."

"I know maybe it makes you nervous...but you told me. And it's going to be a big change for all of us, and something that's important to you...so I think you need to be the one to explain it to them. It'll mean more coming from you." She smiled. "And I'm glad. I like your name too."

She nodded. "We can talk to them both together, if you'd like me to be with you. So...while we wait for them, wanna start looking at some stuff?"

He felt the weight of the past few months lift off of him as she spoke, and let out a sigh that released all the pent up emotions he'd been holding in since this whole mess started. It had been a heavy weight pressing down on him, and even if the prospect of surgeries was a bit intimidating and frightening now, he felt better knowing that there were things that he could do when he got older if he really wanted commit to this.

He took a deep breath and nodded, looking up at her with a smile that was full of shaky confidence at best, "r-right...I-I can do this...I-it'll be easier the second time around, right?" He hoped so anyway, at least no one would have to get used to a new name, small blessings, "Adalee is a good name for a musician anyway, y'know?" He chuckled softly, "gives me a good head start." He chuckled softly, clearly feeling much less dreary now.

Ada nodded as his mother's suggestion, "yes!" He chuckled, "I'd like you there, I-I don't think I could do it all by myself..." He was much more soft spoken than his sister most of the time, it was hard enough to say these things to just his mom, saying it to all three of them would be an ordeal.

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Zara had been a little surprised when Ada had wanted to go shopping this weekend, her sister usually wasn't one who *asked* to go shopping unless it was for music and art supplies and cool stuff like that. But she loved any chance to hang out with her sibling and had been more than happy to head to the mall for a shopping expedition, mom had even given them a more generous than usual shopping allowance this time around and she was excited to get started.

She hopped off the bus, waiting for Ada to join her before heading for the mall entrance doors.

"So...I mean, you don't usually wanna ever go shopping..." Zara glanced over sidelong to Ada. "Like, is there stuff you wanna get? WHere do you wanna start? Or I'll just drag you to places I like and try stuff on you!" She teased with a bright smile. "We'll make you cute!"